This is the third Spring in a row that I’ll be spending in treatment. Today I was admitted into partial hospitalization for my eating disorder. Although I was aware of insurance approval, my heart sank and I erupted into tears when the center called for me. Tears of hope, sadness, relief, fear; I have no idea why I reacted the way I did. I had 3 hours to pack and drive the hour it took to get here. My keep my thoughts at bay, I jammed to the ultimate Canadian powerhouse Celine Dion. But somewhere between, “My Heart Will Go On” and “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now,” I couldn’t help but judge myself for having to go back to treatment AGAIN. I was afraid what others would think of me. I left last year so strong, and now I felt so weak. My inner critic was having a field day. I started to tear up as pulled into the familiar drive and walked up the old steps of the clinic. I thought about turning around and running far, far, away. I couldn’t believe I was back after I work so hard at one time.
I was greeted by some old faces I knew, and some new faces I didn’t. I sat there feeling so alone though being surrounded by other young women, who had also once been through their first day. The silence was heavy from the elephant in the room; I was the elephant, the new girl. Thankfully the silence was broken by one of the youngest girls. “So I need to admit something to you all.” She proceeded to tell us how before she admitted into she had a severe panic attack, and found herself in the emergency room. She informed us that she had been having an upset stomach for several days, but did not think anything of it. Once she saw the doctor and he brought up the idea of a eating disorder hospitalization program, she felt her stomach cramp up even more from the terror of the though. She bolted for the bathroom; no shoes, no socks. Her words were, “I ran with lightening on my heels. I was running to hid and because nature was finally calling.” Sadly, she didn’t make it. However, it made for quite the story. She concluded the story by saying, ” And that’s when I knew I had to go to treatment. Because it scared the shit out of me!”
Isn’t that true though. It’s the things that scare us the most, that we need to face head on. If it scares us, it’s worth the challenge. There is so much strength in braving through what we fear. If it scares us and we follow through with the challenge, it can only make us stronger. No matter how shitty the situation is. It doesn’t matter what others think of you, because reaching out for help is bravery at its finest. Especially because it is incredibly scary. I am not weak, I am strong and brave, and growing each day.